I know it does, I'm not completely obtuse, just sort of at this point in time. He came over tonight to sign some papers and it just kills me to sit there and try to talk to him without looking at him. If I look at him I'll loose it. At this point it hurts so much because I don't want this, I'm doing it, and spearheading it as a matter of fact, because I just want it over. If I'd had the chance to separate and try to work out the problems away from each other I have to say I probably would have taken that option, however; that isn't an option.
Do I believe in divorce? I'm not sure. I believe in it when someone is physically in danger. I believe in it when someone is cheating on the other. I believe in it if there are serious addiction issues that get in the way. Do I believe in it in my case? It's safe to say that this wouldn't have been my first choice. I believe in trying to work things out that can be worked out. I believe that when I said that I'd stick with him through good times and bad that I meant it. I meant it when I said I'd be there when he needed me. I meant it when I said I knew love wasn't easy, it was hard work, and I was willing to put in the time for it. I meant it when I said I loved him. I meant it.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
You can't always get what you want
...and I'm thinking sometimes it's hard to get what you need, too. I need a sense of finality, closure, but I'm not getting it and I don't know if I ever will, for that matter. The hardest part of this whole ordeal is the knowledge that the need for those things may never be met, and I cannot do it by myself, I don't think. Maybe I can by simply accepting that all relationships do not last for ever and "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad" does have its limits. I want to cry sometimes when I'm in the car because I feel this huge sense of emptiness in my life and those moments seem to bring it out more than others. I miss driving with him, sleeping in the passenger seat and snoring while I try not to laugh too loud and wake him. It's the weirdest things I seem to miss. I do know this, I miss him, and I do know that I'll get over that some day.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Who the hell called Racheal Ray?
And told her I was getting a divorce? Today, now this admits I have watched her show, she had on Lance Armstrong's ex-wife talking about her new book "When Happily Ever After Ends." (Listen, it was another snow day from work so all crappy TV watching is a must) It is about the first year after your divorce and all the hideous things you go through. Now I have a sneaking suspicion her first year after divorce is going to be markedly different from the one I'll experience. For instance, I don't live on the French Rivera, I'm sure that might help one get through those hard times unlike living in the constant gray and rainy Northwest will. Maybe it's just me, I doubt it though.
Last night he came over to get some of his stuff and I was trying my hardest to be nice and agreeable, that got me nowhere but in tears. Why do I allow him to hurt my feelings any more? He said he was getting an attorney because I threatened to get a restraining order on him. What I actually said is that I COULD get one if I wanted based on his anger/rage problems, and this was said out of immense anger on my own part trying to hurt him. But now he's all gung ho about it and insists on being an a-hole about everything. I'm not sure when I should tell him that any equity he is allowed in this house will be wiped out by the debt we incurred while he didn't have a job and we had to buy freakin' groceries on the credit card. Maybe I won't and just let him waste that money he doesn't have. But that isn't in my nature and I don't want to become the bitter wife who keeps stuff like that to myself. However, if he wants to start the fight I'm more than willing to finish it like my father always taught me to.
When does it get easier and when do people start acting like humans again?
Last night he came over to get some of his stuff and I was trying my hardest to be nice and agreeable, that got me nowhere but in tears. Why do I allow him to hurt my feelings any more? He said he was getting an attorney because I threatened to get a restraining order on him. What I actually said is that I COULD get one if I wanted based on his anger/rage problems, and this was said out of immense anger on my own part trying to hurt him. But now he's all gung ho about it and insists on being an a-hole about everything. I'm not sure when I should tell him that any equity he is allowed in this house will be wiped out by the debt we incurred while he didn't have a job and we had to buy freakin' groceries on the credit card. Maybe I won't and just let him waste that money he doesn't have. But that isn't in my nature and I don't want to become the bitter wife who keeps stuff like that to myself. However, if he wants to start the fight I'm more than willing to finish it like my father always taught me to.
When does it get easier and when do people start acting like humans again?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
It's a beautiful day...
Sleeping alone isn't so bad, the dog does a good job of keeping me warm since she refuses to sleep on her own bed. The weather here is freezing again today, so I get yet another snow day from work. Marley just wants to go play in it and chase stuff, I just want to stay warm.
It's funny, when we fight poor Marley cowers in the corner like a scared kid might if their parents fight. This is our one thing we have together, the one thing we really love regardless of our own bitter feelings toward one another. Which leads me to this problem: where does the dog go.....does she stay with me or go with him? I'm the one who takes responsibility to take care of her, he likes to play with her. If it were a kid she'd be dead from him forgetting to feed or water her.
His work called this morning and asked if he was coming in. What I wanted to say was, "Don't much care, I'm not his mother. Fire him if you want." But what I said was I don't know, I just got up. Since he didn't stay here last night I really don't know if he's going to work, he pretended to be clandestine and snuck out last night and got picked up by "somebody." I'm sure he was trying to make me crazy wondering who picked him up and where he was going. But what it really did was please me to no end so I could have my house to myself again, whew.
I like having time to myself because I'm quite sure that I can keep myself better company than anyone else. That and I'm getting a load of work on my national boards done, finally! Having peace in this house, both physical and mental, is doing me good, it just took a little longer than it should have.
It's funny, when we fight poor Marley cowers in the corner like a scared kid might if their parents fight. This is our one thing we have together, the one thing we really love regardless of our own bitter feelings toward one another. Which leads me to this problem: where does the dog go.....does she stay with me or go with him? I'm the one who takes responsibility to take care of her, he likes to play with her. If it were a kid she'd be dead from him forgetting to feed or water her.
His work called this morning and asked if he was coming in. What I wanted to say was, "Don't much care, I'm not his mother. Fire him if you want." But what I said was I don't know, I just got up. Since he didn't stay here last night I really don't know if he's going to work, he pretended to be clandestine and snuck out last night and got picked up by "somebody." I'm sure he was trying to make me crazy wondering who picked him up and where he was going. But what it really did was please me to no end so I could have my house to myself again, whew.
I like having time to myself because I'm quite sure that I can keep myself better company than anyone else. That and I'm getting a load of work on my national boards done, finally! Having peace in this house, both physical and mental, is doing me good, it just took a little longer than it should have.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Day
So this is what it feels like, huh? I don't know if I didn't expect it so much as I didn't think he'd have the balls to actually do something on his own. Well, he didn't really do it, I had to say something about it and then he could feel free to say he'd already made up his mind (as he wiggles his ring finger and says, "I've already made my decision") . Oh, the backbone you have Q, how do you bend over to pick things up with such a stiff and strong backbone? Must hurt like hell.
Why is it when we get married we look past the GLARING red flags that are literally smacking us on the back of a leg with a hairbrush, begging us to take notice? I suppose it's because when you're in that place of marshmallow clouds and gumdrop landscapes you foolishly believe that your love can conquer all. Come to find out, your love can't conquer shit, like your rage problems, for example.
I looked beyond the massive need you had to smoke pot several times a day-that should have been an obvious one, but who doesn't like a little fun now and then? I looked waaaaayyyy beyond the fact that you hadn't been employed in, how long was it again? Years? Oh, wait, you worked for your brother for six months and he paid you squat, that's right, I almost forgot. Wait, another one I looked past, your extraordinary computer porn collection. I'm no prude, but Jesus Christ, what person who isn't some kind has that much porn???? Should'a seen it coming. Should'a could'a would'a. But I'm sure as hell not going to put up with you amazing lack of respect for me any longer. The prick stops here.
So I'm a 33 year old with a good job, her own house (and no, you won't get a single piece of it or anything in it because I owned it long before you came around, and you worked so little I can't imagine you even paid enough over 2.5 years to equate to one month's mortgage) and now I am going to be divorced. How do you reconcile this? How does it feel to introduce yourself as the great catch who married an asshole and is now divorce (read: damaged goods)?
What I find to be the most ironic is that he complains about how I act like his mother, always reminding him to do things or asking him if something should be done, pretty much making sure what needs to be done gets done, and yet if I waited for him to lift a finger to start this process I'd end up being married another few years! For once my drive to get things done is going to benefit him, although I'm sure he'll use it against me somehow before this 90-day nightmare is over.
Why do fools fall in love? No, seriously, why do they?
Why is it when we get married we look past the GLARING red flags that are literally smacking us on the back of a leg with a hairbrush, begging us to take notice? I suppose it's because when you're in that place of marshmallow clouds and gumdrop landscapes you foolishly believe that your love can conquer all. Come to find out, your love can't conquer shit, like your rage problems, for example.
I looked beyond the massive need you had to smoke pot several times a day-that should have been an obvious one, but who doesn't like a little fun now and then? I looked waaaaayyyy beyond the fact that you hadn't been employed in, how long was it again? Years? Oh, wait, you worked for your brother for six months and he paid you squat, that's right, I almost forgot. Wait, another one I looked past, your extraordinary computer porn collection. I'm no prude, but Jesus Christ, what person who isn't some kind has that much porn???? Should'a seen it coming. Should'a could'a would'a. But I'm sure as hell not going to put up with you amazing lack of respect for me any longer. The prick stops here.
So I'm a 33 year old with a good job, her own house (and no, you won't get a single piece of it or anything in it because I owned it long before you came around, and you worked so little I can't imagine you even paid enough over 2.5 years to equate to one month's mortgage) and now I am going to be divorced. How do you reconcile this? How does it feel to introduce yourself as the great catch who married an asshole and is now divorce (read: damaged goods)?
What I find to be the most ironic is that he complains about how I act like his mother, always reminding him to do things or asking him if something should be done, pretty much making sure what needs to be done gets done, and yet if I waited for him to lift a finger to start this process I'd end up being married another few years! For once my drive to get things done is going to benefit him, although I'm sure he'll use it against me somehow before this 90-day nightmare is over.
Why do fools fall in love? No, seriously, why do they?
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